Moving Forward.....

One day at a time, is the best you can hope for, I guess. I know Mikey wouldn't want us all sitting around and mot living life, but I'm having a tough time with certain aspects of this. I know a death of any family member or friend is always a shock and something that takes time to heal, but when do you resume a 'normal' life? I can't ever say that any aspect of my family or life has been normal, but god, they are a fun and amusing bunch. Annoying as hell at times, too, but I wouldn't trade my family for anything.

I'm struggling with how to act and react, I think. I almost feel guilty for feeling depressed and that shouldn't be a worry for me, I would think. Oh, I laugh at comments or jokes and put on a brave front, as I don't want to bring anyone down with me, but it's not easy. I want to mourn, but I don't want to wallow in it. Does that even make sense?

Mikey was MY baby brother and someone I love and I still can't believe he's gone. I can't talk to him about baseball, football, ask his opinion or help and that's what's so unreal about this all. It's all so final and I don't want it to be. I want him in my life, I want him to grow old, I want him to see his children graduate from high school, marry and I wanted to see him as a Grandpa and none of those things are possible. I've lost people I love, before and it's been a painful experience, but this is so different, maybe because he was my baby brother and I always felt he would be here, long after I was gone.

Every time....EVERY time I saw him or spoke to him, we hugged, kissed and said we loved each other, so that leaves me with no regrets, but for him to choose this ending, that's where my regrets kick in. Was there something I could have said or done that would have made him realize just how special he truly was and how much people loved him or did it take this for him to finally know what he meant to so many people?

Mikey.....

Ten days ago, my younger brother Mikey ended his life. Even sitting here typing this and reading it, I'm having a tough time wrapping my head around the fact that he's not longer here, with us. I know I will move forward and the pain will eventually ease, I'm sure, but at this point in time, I still can't imagine life without, Mikey.

Mikey battled demons most of his life, but especially when he became a teen. He drank, did drugs and was in trouble a good deal of the time. Still, I never could give up on him, because he didn't give up on himself. We had your typical big-sister-little-brother relationship, we'd argue, scream and fight, but we always knew there was love.....at least I am hoping he knew how much I loved him. I think he knew.

I had a friend comment once at how great she thought it was that Mikey, Skeet and I always hugged, kissed and said we loved each other, whenever we saw each other and whenever we spoke on the phone. I never gave it much thought, because we grew up doing that and neither of my younger brothers ever went through a stage where they were embarrassed by showing affection. I'm going to miss that mjost about Mikey....his hugs, kisses, how he always told me he loved me and his laugh.

I wish you would have called me, Mikey.....I may not have been able to stop you from doing what you did, but I could have told you one more time, how much I loved you and how very special you were to me.

Friday!

Been a while since I've updated anything, again, but no excuses, this time, just laziness or perhaps a bit of loss of interest.

Things are crazy around here, as usual.....well, not here, exactly, but within the family.  I'm so tired of drama and such, but refuse to let it bog me down, too much.  Being a holiday weekend, I'm hoping we grill out and maybe I get out to do some shopping.....maybe.

Still having a time finding reading glasses that allow me to read magazines and newspapers, but maybe I just need to have my right eye taken care of, so both eyes are on the same playing field.  I think we bought me fourth pair of reading glasses, today, but these cost just a buck, so I guess no huge loss, if they don't work out, but sooner or later, I have to be able to enjoy my magazines and such, again!

Weather has turned a bit too warm, for my liking, but at least the majority of folks around here are happy.

Lots of Changes!

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've updated anything, but time has a way of getting by before you know it.

Last week, I had cataract surgery on my left eye and what an amazing difference!  I have always been near-sighted and worn corrective lenses since about third grade, so when I had this surgery, I had the option of the kind of lens I wanted put in and I chose a lens that would correct my near-sightedness.  Now, in choosing that, it meant I'd have to use reading glasses of things up close, but I can't believe the detail in which I can see distances!  Of course, it's been a huge adjustment to not being able to see things up close, but hoping the reading glasses I picked up can help with that.

I go back to see my ophthamologist on 29 May and the optometrist told me, today, they'll probably set me up for my surgery on the right eye, that day.  Everything looked great, today, the optometrist told me the pressure on my retina was normal and all seems well.  

Happy Easter!

I hope everyone enjoyed as good a day as I did.  We received an adorable voice-mail message from my youngest niece, I talked to both of my younger brothers and spent the afternoon with my Mom/Jim, niece, nephew, Aunt, Grandmother and about 100 cousins!  I exagerate a bit on the number of cousins, but I swear, I don't think I am too far off!  

We gathered for a very tasty meal, with everyone contributing a dish or two and if I can brag about anything, it's just how good of cooks my entire family is.  We laughed, we talked and we ate.....in my way of thinking, it doesn't get a whole lot better than that.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Sunday and if you celebrate Easter, I hope you were able to spend that with special people, like I did!

Easter Eve

Been a VERY busy day, today.  Carol and I headed to Dickson City, this morning, as I was out of diet Pepsi and when that happens, panic isn't too far off.  We went to Sam's Club and I got three 36-packs, but I know that won't last too long....I'll probably need a refill by next weekend!  Of course, I'm not the only person drinking the diet Pepsi, Dad helps, too.

Had our Easter dinner with Dad, tonight,  Carol baked the glazed, spiral-sliced ham, macaroni/cheese, peas and for dessert....chocolate pudding!  It was very good and very filling.  Tomorrow, we're spending the afternoon with Mom and family and while it will be fun, I can't help but feel Carol and I are intruding.  I know we'll be made to feel welcome, but still, Aunt Boob's family is large enough, I don't think they need us, there, too.

My headaches have been very bad the past few days and taking pain meds and OTC pills hasn't helped much at all.  Makes me feel mean and hateful, but with Carol being PMSy, she's got top honors for grumpiness, today!  LOL

Happy Easter Eve!

Why Can't I Just Listen?!

OK, we laid away a vacuum cleaner and a shampooer about a month or six weeks ago and we picked them up on Monday.  I believe the new vacuum is from Eureka and it's a bagless vacuum.  We got this for downstairs, since we were using Dad's vacuum and I kind of broke the cover of it, one day.  Anyway, once we had it together on Tuesday, I HAD to try it out!  LOL  It was unbelievable, what it picked up....Carol and Dad said if they didn't know I vacuumed the downstairs once or twice a week, they'd think it was once a month, from what the new vacuum picked up.

Wednesday, Carol headed back to work and Dad was going to the country club to work that morning, for a few hours.  The stairs needed to be vacuumed and I told Dad, I thought I was going to try the new vacuum out, on the stairs and upstairs.  Dad told me that in no way, should I try and do that, with my arthritis and such, he said I'd hurt myself or fall.  Well, could I listen......No!  I swear, as soon as Dad had left, I had the vacuum heading to the step and then upstairs.  An hour or so later, I suddenly realized that my left shoulder and neck were killing me.  Obviously, lugging the damn vacuum up the steps was too much and now, I'm paying for it.  

I can't get away with anything, so thank God I never chose a life of crime, as I'd be sitting behind bars for sure!  Of course, I asked Carol, tonight, 'Why can't I listen, when people tell me I'm going to hurt myself?!'.  Her very thoughtful and caring answer?  Because of my OCD!  Thank you very much!  LOL  I can always count on someone to point out my shortcomings!  

Here's hoping I feel better for Easter weekend, but I'm not holding out a lot of hope....because I am being punished!  LOL

Sunday

Was actually a quiet day, today.  I like lazy weekends and this definitely ranks as a lazy weekend.  I did very little Saturday or Sunday, other than watching TV and DVDs and did some very light housekeeping.

I'm a HUGE fan of the original Flintstones series and as luck would have it, Boomerang is running two hours of the series on weekends, this month, so guess what I did from 2:00PM-4:00PM Saturday and Sunday?!  LOL

I also ordered a DVD set, today, the Emilio Miraglia box set that includes two films.....The Red Queen Kills 7 Times and The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave.  I'm excited about that.  I'm also hoping a DVD I pre-ordered over two weeks ago will finally arrive, tomorrow.

Friday

Friday has always been my favorite day of the week, but this week, I'm not having such a wonderful week, so being Friday doesn't seem quite and exciting as always.

I went to see my eye specialist, this week and found out that I'm going to have cataract surgery on my left eye.  He said I'll eventually want to have the cataract on my right eye removed, but that may be down the line.  I'm only slightly nervous about the procedure, that may change as the time comes closer, but we'll see.  One thing is, the specialist is a erally nice guy.  He's very friendly, explains everything in great detail and doesn't make me feel rushed at all, when we talk.  

Got home that afternoon and discovered the computer monitor had bit the dust.  At the moment, we're using the monitor that we gave Mom a few years ago, when their monitor had been hit by a ball and had a huge spot on it.  We took it to a computer repairman, this morning and got the call this afternoon that there was no repairing the monitor, so I guess we'll be looking for an afordable monitor, if that's possible.

Received a package in the mail, yesterday, from a friend in the UK.  He sent me some DVDs! He's sent me several packages over the last few years and I definitely appreciate his generosity. I love getting DVDs in the mail!   

Snacks.....

OK, I admit it, among all my other 'holics'......diet Pepsi-holic, DVD-holic, Christmas-holic, etc...etc....etc., I am also a HUGE snack-holic.  Being diabetic, I should be very careful about my snacks, but I'm not as careful as I should be and I'll be the first to admit it.  

It just seems when you're diabetic, there is very few things that seem to fall into the 'safe list' of foods to eat.  I mean, M&Ms are a no-no, Snickers Bars are a no-no, brownies are a no-no!  Those, I can understand, but it would seem too much milk is a no-no!  Now, I'm not a fan of milk, in all honesty, if it didn't come in a chocolate flavor, the ONLY time I really 'drink' milk is on my cereal.  Hells Bells, too much fruit can even jack sugar levels up.  Sheesh, if you can't eat healthy things and be safe, how can you keep from scarfing down candy, chocolate, cereal, oranges and anything else you can find while digging in the cupboards, fridge or freezer?!

There was a time I'd convinced myself that Cheerios was a health food, but I can only eat so many handfuls of dry cereal!  I know the secret to anything is moderation, but I, again, freely admit, 'moderation' really isn't part of my vocabulary.  I don't care if it comes to diet Pepsi, food or DVDs, I just don't know the meaning of.....M-O-D-E-R-A-T-I-O-N!  

I don't really get this need for snacking, either.  When I was a kid, we never had much in the way of snack food.  Hell, Jiffy Pop Pocorn was a HUGE treat, when I was a kid!  I don't think Mom and Dad were into snacking that much and so we never really had anything around to snack on.  Dad's idea of snacking, when I was a kid was one of two things.....cheeses of various kinds and he'd put peanut butter on slices of bread that he put all the way up one arm to take into the living room with a large glass of milk.  

I have a horrible habit of wanting to snack on something if I'm watching TV or a DVD.  I know I'm associating the enjoyment of TV/Films with food, which they say is a BIG no-no, but I can't stop myself.  Before my TV show starts or a start a DVD, I have to make sure I have an ice-cold diet Pepsi sitting next to me and something to munch on.  The sad thing is, we still never seem to have much to snack on!  You'd be amazed what I consider a snack, some days!  The old standby of sliced bread with peanut butter is still a favorite as is.....cereal, cheese and any kind of nuts we might have in the house.  

 

A Good Couple of Days.....

And since it seems there's never enough good things happening, I feel I should share it, when positive things happen.

Saturday, the mail brought me four wonderful and unexpected surprises......four issues of, Little Shoppe of Horrors.  Bless Carol's heart, she got me three past issues as well as the most current release and I couldn't be more thrilled.  Today, we went out for lunch to the Chinese Buffet, which is always a good thing in my book and then we went to K-Mart and picked up a few necessities as well as a few non-essentials.  We came home and Carol made a very yummy dinner and now I'm just sitting back, relaxing and enjoying my evening.  

I think we may head up and see my youngest brother and my youngest niece, tomorrow, so tomorrow should be a good day, too.  I'd kind of like to get the new James Bond film on DVD, but not sure if I can swing that, this week.  I went and pre-ordered a couple of DVDs that come out, next week, so I should be satisfied, but can you ever really have enough DVDs?!

Thanks, Mom and Skeet!

Mom was generous enough to purchase Carol and me a hutch, for the kitchen, I think she thought it was time we had something nice to show off some dishes, etc.  I feel a wee bit guilty, because I know how tight money is and she gave up something, so we could have this.  That's the kind of person she is.  She'll go without, so someone else can have something and you can't thank someone enough, when they do things like that.

Skeet was good enough to come down with his pick-up and haul this up to the house and do all the lifting and such.  He's a good kid.  Skeet, Mom, Carol and I went out for lunch, after and had a good time talking and picking at each other.  

We (Carol and I) may go out for a bit, tomorrow.  We were going to, today, but since Mom was good enough to pick the hutch up, we didn't do anything but get that home and set up.  Oh, Mom also gave us a nice tablecloth and some place-mats, too.  Thanks!

Getting Older......

OK, getting older is something none of us ever think will happen to 'us', but it does.  Don't get me wrong, most of the time I feel like I'm 18, although many folks that know me, will tell you, I barely act as if I'm 10!  I truly can't believe I'm in my 40s.....I mean, I don't want to be this old, but it happened.  Now, some of the signs that I'm getting older absolutely terrify me and manage to repulse me at the same time.  Signs that you're getting older?

01) Professionals all seem MUCH younger than you.  Dr's, dentists, nurses, they all look so young!

02) You suddenly sprout hair in places you don't think you should!

03) Your parents start acting much older than you think they should!

04) Nieces and nephews are suddenly teenagers!

05) You find yourself making up excuses to stay up, rather than why you're not going to bed!

06) Parts of your body begin to hurt that you didn't even realize you had!

07) 25 years ago, you were almost out of your teens! 

08) You do all your running around in daylight, as you can't see as well at night!

09) Nothing you do shocks anyone!

10) You can't believe your age and your parents are shocked they have a kid this old!

I doubt I'll ever fully mature, which I'm kind of happy about.  I think I'm fun to be around, but it does amaze me that I'm not one of the 'kids', anymore.  Hells Bells, I have cousins younger than me that are grandparents....now, that's scary!

Reality TV Has Nothing On My Family!

My God!  I swear, reality TV could probably take lessons from my family and still walk away in shock.  Me, I just want to live peacefully, where everybody can get along and there's no major drama waiting to pounce, each day.  I'm beginning to think I must want to live in some kind of fantasy world, though!

Since Wednesday of last week, it's been a hold-your-breath and pray you don't get a horrible phone call that someone we all love has harmed himself.  Mom swears up and down, she asked me something yesterday and I swear I don't remember the conversation, so now she's telling me I must have been sleepy!  We got a phone call, this morning and now we're supposed to house all the crap that nobody else wants at their house.....Dad's been a wreck about trying to secure loans for this person and it just can't be done, so he's upset to be put in that position and I'm upset because I ALWAYS have to be the go-between, it seems.  

You know the sad part of all this?  The person driving us all insane and worrying us to death, will probably live to be 100 and we'll all keel over in a few years from stress!  We worry and fret and stress about him and he goes merrily along, driving us all crazy and he never worries until it means he might end up behind bars.  That's when he panics!

Honestly, don't waste your time on reality TV...pull a chair up and watch my life for about a week!  You'll see it all....anger, tears, laughter, threats, slap-stick comedy, high drama...you want it, we'll more than likely deliver!

Blah......

That's exactly how I feel, this afternoon.  I don't seem to sleep well at all at night, so I nap during the afternoon and I hate that.  The computer is running very slow and acting wonky, these days and that's ticking me off and I am drinking my diet Pepsi like there could be no tomorrow.  

Skeet and Dad arrived home, safely, this morning, so that's good.  Skeet hung about for a bit, before heading home.  I guess little O has asked her Mom to go look for Daddy, every day, since Thursday morning.  I know that makes Skeet feel good....I know it would me, too!

I just feel restless and unable to concentrate on anything for too long.  I tried reading and seemed like I had to re-read every page at least once, to sink in and then I got sleepy.  I tried watching TV and also got sleepy, so what did I do?  Took a three hour nap!  That should do wonders for my sleeping, tonight.  

See what I mean about this being one of those, blah kind of days?!  

Saturday's of the Past......

I really kind of miss the Saturday's of my youth. If only we knew how carefree those time were, compared to life as an adult, we'd have appreciated them even more!

I think I have a pretty solid appreciation of my youth and while some aspects of those times don't bring back wonderful memories, overall, I'd say I was pretty fortunate as a kid. Kids of today, don't really stay kids, they grow up and mature far too fast, I think. Looking back at my youth, I would be considered almost a baby by today's kids.

Saturday mornings used to be filled with the greatest toons, ever! Let's see, Scooby Doo, Speed Buggy, Bugs Bunny, The Flintstones, The Jetsons, Davey and Goliath, etc...etc...etc. Fruity Pebbles was the cereal I loved most, it seems, well, that and Frankenberry and Booberry. I was introduced to classic sci-fi and horror films, thanks to Dad. When I was a kid, cable didn't come out to our neck of the woods, so we got two channels in the Summer and maybe three or four, in Autumn and Winter. Dad used to go out about 12:30PM and start 'tweaking' the antenna, so he and I or I could watch a Creature Feature that came on at 1:00PM. Usually, a heavy 'snow' was what I watched many of the films through, but I didn't care, it was great fun and something Dad worked hard for me to enjoy.

Mom and Dad used to go out on Saturday night, occasionally. I remember they always dressed for the night out....Dad in a sports-coat and tie and Mom in a dress. On Saturday nights that they didn't go out, an occasional treat would be, Jiffy-Pop popcorn.....remember that?! That was a really big deal, because we didn't have much in the way of snacks, when I was a kid. Oh and on rare occasions, we would get a TV dinner as a treat for lunch on Saturday afternoon....I remember when the Kid Cuisine meals first came out. Those were a big deal.

Quite often, I'd spend Friday and Saturday with a cousin or they'd stay with me. That was always a special time, I was the oldest and the only girl, so it was nice to have someone close to my own age to play with. Sometimes, I'd stay with my grandparents and that was always a thrill. I was spoiled rotten by Grandma and Granddad and even GB, when I'd stay with her, but poor GB had a truckload of grandkids, so getting one on one time with her was a little more rare. I remember, she and I would watch The FBI on late-night TV and the original Mission: Impossible series, too. When I'd stay with Grandma and Granddad, they always made me feel like I was the most special person in their lives, so that was great fun.

I don't think I was spoiled, overall. My parents were strict and as a result, I think I have a lot more respect for them and others. They did indulge me, whenever possible....I always volunteered my Mom to be the 'Room Mother' in school and God bless her, she'd bring goodies to school and would bring craft ideas to my class and we'd do stuff like that. I guess one time I told my class that my Dad would bring a Christmas tree for our room. I think Dad said back then, the tree was $5 or $10 and while it doesn't seem like much, now, it was a lot of money, then and especially at Christmas. Dad said he couldn't be angry with me, especially when he got the tree in the room and saw how excited I was, as well as all my classmates. As mentioned, we didn't have cable in our area, but my Grandma and Granddad, who lived across the river, did have access and the year I was 9 or 10, Space: 1999 was a big thing. It came on at 7:00PM, I think and while Dad wouldn't take me every week and I never asked, he would occasionally take me over and he'd have coffee with Grandma and Granddad, while I watched my episode. Now, that meant Grandma and Granddad gave up TV to me for an hour and they did it, gladly. Things like that meant a lot to me and I still appreciate it, today.

While nothing can ever bring those days back, I do try and make a Saturday afternoon like a trip to the past, as I pop in some classic sci-hi or horror DVD in every Saturday. Thanks Mom, Dad, Grandma, Granddad and GB for these precious memories!

Friday....I Love It!

Yep! I still love a Friday. Today's been quite nice, had the house all to myself from about 9:00AM until about 5:45PM and I accomplished a lot, I think. Did laundry, stripped the bed and washed the sheets, dusted upstairs and vacuumed, too! Hung a photo in the bedroom, watched some TV and relaxed in a bubble bath, too.

We had pizza for dinner and after, headed upstairs and Carol helped me hang curtains in the bedroom. Got three panels on Wednesday, but we definitely needed two for each window, so Carol left for work, early, this morning and got three more panels, so it looks much better.

I'm upstairs on the computer, obviously and Carol is enjoying the TV, downstairs. Skeet just called about fifteen minutes ago and asked if he could call here around 9:00PM and I could give him some late wrestling results, so I'm ready for that call, now.

As usual, there really isn't anything on TV that I'm interested in, so I have my MP3 going and it seems nice to simply sit back and relax.

How Can Someone.....

So smart, be so dumb? Why is it this one person in my life, could have so much going for them and yet, they continually choose the wrong path in life? I love this person so much and I sit here wanting to cry, because I know they are hurting so much and they just can't seem to get their life on track and be happy.

This afternoon and early evening, we've been worried they might do something out of a total sense of loss and something so permanent that nobody could help them, again. I'd give anything if this person could find some peace and happiness, before it's too late. They feel unloved and that has to be a horrible feeling. No amount of talking, reassuring and pleading seems to make them happy or comfortable with the love their family feels for them.

How can I relax and sleep, knowing the pain this person is feeling inside? How can I crack a smile or laugh, knowing this person wants to cry and feels so alone? How can you get through to someone that you have loved since the first day they came into your life, that you want nothing but happiness for them?

I don't think my family deserves the worry and stress that all this causes, but at the same time, I feel so helpless in making this person see how important they are to us. When your words of encouragement and love fall on deaf ears, it can be so maddening and yet so sad. If only I could make this person see how much I love them and how important they are to my life, but I also think they feel let down and disappointed by the people that do love them so much.

I wish I could hug them and get through that I love them and need them in my life...we all do, but I feel that nothing I say or do will ever convince this person that they special. They do have something to offer and they would be missed. I can't even begin to imagine the emptiness that this person leaving us would leave in my life. I love you, M........

Living With More Than One Adult......

Don't get me wrong, I am EXTREMELY grateful to live in the home I do. Two years ago, Carol and I saw a sudden increase of $100 per month for rent. Dad was living in an apartment that was being sold and he decided he wanted something more permanent and something for us, so we wouldn't see a yearly increase in rent. He purchased this house and offered to let us move in and split the cost of living here, down the middle. I love the house, the location and for the first time in my adult life, what I pay for rent/expenses is actually going towards something we will own, so that feels good.

The only fly in the ointment is, I have lived on my own since I was 21. Carol moved in with me, when I was 33 and we moved in with dad when I was 42, so I pretty much was the queen of my own castle for 21 years. It was an adjustment when Carol and I moved in together and it's been an even bigger adjustment moving in with Dad. Carol and I are very set in our ways, as is Dad. I can't say we've had any blow-ups and screaming or yelling about anything, but there has been a few tense moments. I tend to nag Carol to death about the little things she does that annoy me....she kind of lets things fall where she drops them and while she will eventually pick things up, I don't like things on the floor or stacked on tables or anything cluttered looking. Dad likes to keep a coffee mug, large drinking glass and small drinking glass on the counter, by the sink, at all times! If he makes a sammie, he puts the knife on a wadded up paper towel and it will sit there all day. Now, I'm not in any way saying I'm a dream to live with, but I can live with my faults, it's everyone else's faults that drive me insane. LOL

I think I'm far too anal or have OCD and can't let things go......while I can nag at Carol, it's out of the question to nag at Dad. Maybe it's because in spite of my age, I still feel he is my Dad and he deserves a certain amount of respect. Maybe it's the fact that I didn't live with my Dad from the age of 12 on and I'm still feeling like a child around him, I don't know. My Dad is funny, he has me laughing every day, he's trying and I mean he is really trying to make this situation work, so I give him all kinds of credit, there. Carol is less forgiving about things and she is always pissed about soemthing it seems, but as I told her, I feel she and her brothers have always been able to 'bully' their Mom and she will do anything they say. My Dad has NEVER been like that and at 70 years of age, I don't see that ever changing.

Dad and my youngest brother leave for the state wrestling tournament, tomorrow. They'll return home on Sunday morning, so that will give Carol and me a few days of the house to ourselves, which we are both looking forward to. I believe I've talked Carol into making us a very nice meal, tomorrow night and I have a few projects I'd like to get done while Dad is gone. Nothing I can't do when he's home, but sometimes, cleaning is easier when you don't have someone hanging about. I'm thinking I'm going to take all the curtains down and wash/hang them all and I also have a few small projects I'd like to do over the next few days.

Just Some of What Makes Me Tick....

My taste in films, music and TV are so eclectic, if I write the stuff down, it leaves most people scratching their heads. I tend to cling to the films, TV and music that I associate with good memories and the fact that 99.9% of those good feelings remain and I can still enjoy this wide range of interests, makes me even happier. Here are just a very few examples of the wild and wacky things I still enjoy!

Boredom......

I'm definitely feeling that, today. It's not too often I feel bored, but when I do, it's not a good thing. What do I usually do when I'm bored? I think I eat. LOL I haven't really eaten, today, but I can't seem to settle in and really accomplish anything, either.

Carol got off work at 11:00AM on Friday, she picked me up around 11:30AM and we went to get a few groceries and have lunch and we were home in two hours.....that was the last time we left the house! Now, I understand that Carol works and I'm no longer able to, so time home is always important, but holy jeez! With Carol, it's all or nothing....we're either busy and doing something every minute or we're house-bound and it seems the times we are house-bound, I'd like to go out and do a little something. I think Carol associates 'going out', meaning we have to spend money, something we never seem to have enough of, but that isn't the case. I think we could go out and wander in a store or take a ride and not have to spend money.

While it's true, I have been having a lot of pain with my hips and legs, this weekend, had she suggested at any time that we get out of the house, I'd have sucked it up and gone, willingly. Maybe Friday's moodiness turned her off about doing anything with me for the remainder of the weekend, but I think it's more with her not wanting to spend any money. Tomorrow, she heads back to work, so I know I'll be in the house all day....yay.

I Am Moodiness, Defined!

I do hate that part of my personality, too! I can feel myself going from happy to moody in a matter of minutes, but can't seem to do anything to stop myself. Take, today. Carol got home from work at around 11:30AM and I went out to the vehicle, hopped in, all smiles and light. We went and ate at the Chinese Buffet, which always makes me happy and then we went to P&C to do a bit of grocery shopping. Now, somewhere in the two minute ride from the Chinese Buffet to the grocery store, I became bitchy and moody! Nothing happened, nothing was said....I just went from sunshine and light to darkness and mean!

Poor Carol, I bet she could punch me right in the face, sometimes! I swear, I can actually feel myself becoming moody, but have absolutely no control over it. I can't make myself or will myself to stop. Oh, and if I suddenly should lose complete control of my temper.....the nastier and meaner I became, the more I feel good! I swear to God, it's almost orgasmic at times! LOL I feel almost separated from my body and can see this totally unreasonable person standing there and I want to punch myself!

Sometimes, I could laugh at myself, if I wasn't so pissed. The moods can last just a few minutes or hours. Today, I think it lasted an hour or so, but gee, if I can't even stand myself, can you imagine how poor Carol must feel?! I give her credit, she never holds it against me and I'm not so sure I could be as forgiving.

When moodiness was being handed out, I must have thought it was something really neat and jumped in line, twice! I'm sure I get this wretched personality trait from both sides of my family. Dad, more so, but I think Mom can be moody, as well. I think my youngest brother shares this trait as well. We will occasionally share these horrific mood swings with each other and I find it hysterical when he tells me about his mood swings.....I know our better halves probably find this side of us a horrible cross to bear, so God love 'em for putting up with us. I know we don't mean to be moody, I think we're basically decent people, but find me on one of those mood swing days and I bet you'd want to punch me, too!

How Do I Manage It?

I always feel like I disappoint and let so many people down in my life and in all honesty, I don't mean to. I truly want to do the things that make people happy, but I always come up short in one way or another.

One of my brothers called me, last night and asked me to do something for him. While, I don't think it was something I should have been asked to do, I did what he requested, but in a round about way that potentially may have done more harm than good. I didn't think what he was asking me to do was something in his best interest, but I could also see that there was no talking him out of what he wanted and no reasoning with him at that point. I made the call and was thankfully, forwarded to a voice mail, but I know I sounded pissed off and less than pleasant and it isn't that I even care how the other person felt, it's the fact that once again, my brother is hurting and I really can't help him at all.

I have this major hang up and it stupefies me as to where I managed to get this from, but I can rarely make people understand how I honestly feel. I'm easily talked into doing things I don't want to do, out of guilt and then I get all pissy and nasty and I know the people asking me to do these things could cut their tongues out for ever asking me to do the thing in the first place. I think a lot of it is because, people ask me if I want to do this or that and I tell them right off, how I honestly feel and then I'm immediately questioned and asked if I'm sure?! People! If I say I don't want to do something or I do, why question me, because you're not hearing what YOU want to hear!

I hate letting people down and I try not to, but I come up short so often. I wish I could be like my Mom, she always tries to be there for everyone and quite often, she still gets kicked for not doing enough. Dad may be gruff about a lot of stuff, but if he says he's going to do something, he does it. I wish I had Dad's sensability when it comes to money and Mom's giving ways. I'm stuck at the far end of the spectrum in both counts!

My Addicitions.....

I've mentioned this, before. My two addicitons are to diet Pepsi and DVDs. While I don't buy either one every day of the week, I probably get a 24-pack of diet Pepsi a couple times a week and a DVD, maybe every couple of weeks, but the urge and need for both is at me all the time.

I mean, when I'm on the computer, what am I doing? Looking up DVDs, adding DVDs to my wish list(s) and always wishing for more and more and more! Now, this wouldn't be a big deal, IF I was still able to work and making money each and every week, but that isn't the case. I mean, which of the seven deadly sins can I say I have with this love of DVDs and diet Pepsi.....greed or lust?! Probably a wee bit of both!

Now, I was actually out, today and was in three stores that carry DVDs and I didn't come out of any of the stores with a single DVD, but it wasn't because I didn't want to! Finances are always part of the game, but I was also trying to force myself to deny myself of a DVD or two or ten. However, I wasn't as good as I'd hoped.....I came home, jumped online and pre-ordered a DVD.

I have to admit, of the 2521 DVDs we have in the house, almost 2100 are mine, but I ask for DVDs for Christmas, birthday and any other gift-giving occasion, so a good number of my DVDs have been given to me as gifts. I've traded other DVD titles for these, purchased several used and found some great deals on others, so it's not as bad as it sounds.....is it? God, maybe I do need serious help, here! Add that total to my diet Pepsi consumption and perhaps I am a full blown addict. Sure, I may not take drugs or drink alcohol, but gee, is this as serious as one or both of those addictions?

I'm beginning to think that sharing my thoughts isn't so wise.....leaves me wondering about myself!

Cooling It, Today........

It's been a rough week. Losing my Uncle was tough for my family, I can't imagine how my Aunt and cousins are handling, today. Friday was the viewings and yesterday the funeral. I thought the military grave-side services were beautiful and the meal afterwards was very nice.

Today, I've accomplished absolutely nothing. I've bathed, but never even got out of my PJ's, I even napped for a bit, this afternoon. Had big plans to watch some DVDs, but usually when I plan a day like that, it doesn't always go as planned. No complaints, though. It was quiet and peaceful and relaxing.

I've been drinking diet Pepsi like it's water, though. Man, I've gone through a lot of cans of that and yesterday, I drank anything that was sitting near me. I know my sugar levels are sky-high, which doesn't help, but I've not really eaten much of anything, today, just because I'm so damn thirsty.

The next couple of days are going to be busy, so glad today was a quiet day. Tomorrow we have to run to Dickson City in the morning and then Tuesday, Carol has an appointment at the Packer, in Sayre. Her two days off this week will be busy.

Family Loss......

I know that the loss of a family member is something everyone fears and is never fully prepared for. Even if that person has suffered for a long time with health issues, you're never really able to wrap your head around the fact that they may not always be with you.

Maybe it's the fact that for as long as you remember anything, that family member has been in your life. They've always been there, being a part of holiday celebrations, weddings, birthday celebrations and even the funerals of others. They are often a major constant in your life, even if you don't have daily contact with them....you just always feel they'll be there.

My Uncle was that person in my life. He was married to my Mom's older sister, the father to several cousins and someone that, while he didn't say a lot, you always knew he was in your corner. I always knew that if I really needed help, I could go to him and my Aunt and they would help me in any way possible. He wasn't a big old teddy bear that smiled a lot, laughed a lot or hugged you, but I always felt safe with him, when I was a child and loved by him, all through my life. I'm going to miss him and the sad thing is, my loss is nothing compared to what my Aunt and cousins must be feeling.

One memory that will stick with me always, involving my Uncle Dave took place, years ago. I was probably 6-8 years old and it was Summer and I'd probably been staying with the family for a week or more. Uncle Dave came home and piled us all into the Scout they used to have. At the time, there was five kids in their family and I think he and Aunt Boob used to take us out for a ride to cool us down and calm us down. We got back to their house and Aunt Boob began dinner and took a break to go lay in the bedroom with Uncle Dave. I was and still am terrified of thunder/lightning storms and one popped up. I was out in the kitchen with my cousins and didn't want to let on what was bothering me, so I started sobbing that I wanted to go home. Betsy or Pami probably went in and told them I was upset and crying to go home. Uncle Dave called me in and pulled me onto the bed between him and Aunt Boob. He asked what was wrong and I said I just wanted to go home....he looked at me and said, 'But, Kimi, if you go home, who's going to make our Kool-Aid?'. That was one of my jobs in helping prepare the meal. In that moment, he made me feel very needed and thought I couldn't possibly leave the family without a Kool-Aid maker, so in that moment, my fear was forgotten and I was thrilled to think I was, 'needed'. I'll always remember that and the love and acceptance that I feel with Uncle Dave and Aunt Boob. Thanks for that, to you both!

How can you ever find words to comfort people when they lose someone that was as special as he was. My Uncle was that kind of man.....never brought attention to anything he did, he just went about doing what was right in his own way. He was there for his family and those of us that were part of his extended family. I feel a sense of sadness, because he wasn't the type of man that you said mushy things to, but I hope that somehow, he knew how much I loved him and how important he was in my life. You can never replace a presence like that and I feel very fortunate to have had him in my life, as long as I did. I love you, Uncle Dave, I miss you and wish you were still with us, for my own selfish reasons, but you battled with all you had and for so long, I wish you peace and we will miss you!

Friday!

In spite of no longer being able to work, Friday still is my favorite day of the week. I'm not exactly sure why, as when I was still able to work, we worked nearly ever Saturday and had a lot of Sunday work, too! Still, there's just something about a Friday that makes me all happy and smiles.

I've discovered that while there are many things that make me all happy and smiles, the biggest thing other than loved ones and friends is still those damn DVDs! I think it's a true addiction.......thank God these things are legal or I'd be out trying to score a DVD or two to support this habit! The sad thing is, I don't get DVDs like I used to, in spite of my 'need' for them. DVDs and diet Pepsi are indeed, my drugs of choice.

You know it's bad when you are told you have a better selection of DVDs than most rental places or your nieces and nephews beg you to 'chug' a diet Pepsi. Actually, it's almost embarrassing.....almost. Sure, there are a lot worse things I could find myself addicted to, but when you're poor, any addiction is tough.

I remember before I was diagnosed with diabetes and I loved regular Pepsi, several members of my family would get on me that I should drink diet Pepsi. Now I drink diet Pepsi and those same family members are telling me I drink too much of that! C'mon, now.....I don't drink alcohol and I don't smoke, let me have a little fun and indulgence, people!

As for my DVDs, I admit, I have such an extreme taste in films and TV, it almost scares me. I can sit and watch some graphic, gory horror film one minute and the next, I'm watching some children's TV show. Some of my friends like to call me out on some of my titles, too.....CB and I were having a Pampered Chef party at the apartment, one afternoon and we had a rack of DVDs in the living room. Everyone was chatting along and having a nice time, when someone had to bring to the attention of everybody in the apartment that there was a DVD with the title, 'Killer Condom' and that the DVD HAD to belong to me. Now, this wasn't some horror film, really nor was it a porno, just a goofy horror-parody, really, but try explaining that to a room full of women over the age of 50!

Wait....is that....a diet Pepsi calling to me and a DVD.........?

Valentine's Day....2009

Here we are, just a couple of days before what's supposed to be, the most romantic day of the year. Me, I think every day is romantic, if you're with someone you really love and enjoy being with, but that's me. My biggest problem with Valentine's Day is......trying to gift that someone special with something that isn't the 'norm' for this kind of special day. I mean, c'mon, flowers can be done to death and don't take a whole lot of thought, candy isn't always an option, especially if someone is diabetic or trying to lose weight and for me, giving some obvious likes of that special person, also seems too easy and kind of a cop-out.

I'm the exact opposite. I tend to bore people to tears with the things I love asking for or receiving. I've mentioned before that I love, adore and lust after DVDs and so, if I get one or two DVDs on ANY special occasion, I think I've died and gone to Heaven. Oh, I like the occasional surprise, too....dinner out, seeing a film at the theatre, quiet, romantic moments, but something as simple as a DVD or a certain book or magazine can brighten my day just as easily.

In saying that, I must ask, am I boring? Do I settle too easily? Do I tend to make family and friends smack me upside my head with my weird taste in things? Does my family secretly worry about me and my enjoyment of certain films? Do they tend to hold their children just a bit tighter, when they see me all excited about some off-the-wall film? I gave my Dad a small list of films I have on DVD, that I thought he might enjoy on those nights where TV offers nothing and what was his first question on one title? 'This isn't one of your horror films, is it?!' I wasn't really offended, but I had to stop and think.....is that all people see in me.....my taste for weird films?

OK, I have gotten way off track, here. We were talking about Valentine's Day....I'm thinking a simple, 'I love you' and a card wouldn't go over very well, so in the short time till the actual day, I have a lot of decisions to make! Tune in and we'll see how this Valentine's Day goes!

All Bloated Up Like A Hoppy-Toad....Thanks, Skeet!

Good God! Thanks to my babiest brother, I am as stuffed as stuffed can be! Skeet's been bragging up this place in Athens for ages and it's finally opened into a second location a wee bit closer to us, so he, Mom and I stopped in, this afternoon, for lunch.

We never do things in a small way, oh no.....let's see, we had a slice of pizza, each, then we all had a half a sub AND fries! My God, it's a miracle I was able to walk out of the place! Good? Most definitely, but I am so stuffed, I hurt! Now, I certainly am old enough to know better and you'd think I'd be smart enough to know better, but nope......when it comes to food, I behave like every meal could be my last! I mean, as soon as my eyes open in the morning, it's like an all you can eat, buffet! I don't think I stop chewing and swallowing until my eyes close at night.

Thanks, Skeet, it was a GREAT lunch, but next time, could you do me a favor and put a muzzle on me, so I won't eat like I'm trying to win some kind of eating contest?!

I love spending time with my babiest brother, because he makes me laugh so much and in the short time I spent with him, today, I was laughing and forgetting all about the aches and pains that drive me almost insane. You're a great brother, Skeet, hope you always know that.

I tried to get Skeet or Mom to buy me some DVDs, but neither seemed too responsive to that.....I can't imagine why, I mean, Skeet had just bought us this HUGE, amazing lunch, must have spent an arm and a leg on that and then I was still looking for more freebies! Just joshing, but man, I do so love my DVDs. I may seriously need help with my DVD and diet Pepsi addictions, I honestly go into a panic, when I think my diet Pepsi supply is getting low. This is a big shout to anyone with extra cash laying around.....buy Pepsi stock, I'll keep you rolling in the money!

Deep, Dark and Thoughtful......

Ha! You thought that the contents of this blog were going to be something deep and soul-searching, but that couldn't be further from the truth. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I use my brain cells nearly enough to keep them active and any thought process worth reading.

I wish I had something to say that really stopped people in their tracks and made them think.....the only thing I may be credited with is making people scratch their heads and wonder where the hell I came from and what I can possibly offer that might be worth listening to.

I tend to try and look on the bright side of life, but oh yes, I have my deep, dark spooky side, too. I figure life is way too serious and way too sad at times, so I try and see the humorous side of everything, often to the point I annoy those around me. I leave all the drama and hysterics to those members of my immediate family that seem to thrive on that and I just go through life with total ignorance about things happening around me and I feel better for that.

I cling tightly to my family and friends, for they truly do bring me happiness and yes, at times, I'd like to run away and leave no forwarding address, but in the end, they make me what and who I am and that's a terrifying thought in itself! I probably like my material objects way too much, too. My DVDs, Christmas decorations/ornaments, memorabilia and the like mean way more to me than they should, but most of the items have been given to me, so why not cherish them?