Moving Forward.....

One day at a time, is the best you can hope for, I guess. I know Mikey wouldn't want us all sitting around and mot living life, but I'm having a tough time with certain aspects of this. I know a death of any family member or friend is always a shock and something that takes time to heal, but when do you resume a 'normal' life? I can't ever say that any aspect of my family or life has been normal, but god, they are a fun and amusing bunch. Annoying as hell at times, too, but I wouldn't trade my family for anything.

I'm struggling with how to act and react, I think. I almost feel guilty for feeling depressed and that shouldn't be a worry for me, I would think. Oh, I laugh at comments or jokes and put on a brave front, as I don't want to bring anyone down with me, but it's not easy. I want to mourn, but I don't want to wallow in it. Does that even make sense?

Mikey was MY baby brother and someone I love and I still can't believe he's gone. I can't talk to him about baseball, football, ask his opinion or help and that's what's so unreal about this all. It's all so final and I don't want it to be. I want him in my life, I want him to grow old, I want him to see his children graduate from high school, marry and I wanted to see him as a Grandpa and none of those things are possible. I've lost people I love, before and it's been a painful experience, but this is so different, maybe because he was my baby brother and I always felt he would be here, long after I was gone.

Every time....EVERY time I saw him or spoke to him, we hugged, kissed and said we loved each other, so that leaves me with no regrets, but for him to choose this ending, that's where my regrets kick in. Was there something I could have said or done that would have made him realize just how special he truly was and how much people loved him or did it take this for him to finally know what he meant to so many people?