I Am Moodiness, Defined!

I do hate that part of my personality, too! I can feel myself going from happy to moody in a matter of minutes, but can't seem to do anything to stop myself. Take, today. Carol got home from work at around 11:30AM and I went out to the vehicle, hopped in, all smiles and light. We went and ate at the Chinese Buffet, which always makes me happy and then we went to P&C to do a bit of grocery shopping. Now, somewhere in the two minute ride from the Chinese Buffet to the grocery store, I became bitchy and moody! Nothing happened, nothing was said....I just went from sunshine and light to darkness and mean!

Poor Carol, I bet she could punch me right in the face, sometimes! I swear, I can actually feel myself becoming moody, but have absolutely no control over it. I can't make myself or will myself to stop. Oh, and if I suddenly should lose complete control of my temper.....the nastier and meaner I became, the more I feel good! I swear to God, it's almost orgasmic at times! LOL I feel almost separated from my body and can see this totally unreasonable person standing there and I want to punch myself!

Sometimes, I could laugh at myself, if I wasn't so pissed. The moods can last just a few minutes or hours. Today, I think it lasted an hour or so, but gee, if I can't even stand myself, can you imagine how poor Carol must feel?! I give her credit, she never holds it against me and I'm not so sure I could be as forgiving.

When moodiness was being handed out, I must have thought it was something really neat and jumped in line, twice! I'm sure I get this wretched personality trait from both sides of my family. Dad, more so, but I think Mom can be moody, as well. I think my youngest brother shares this trait as well. We will occasionally share these horrific mood swings with each other and I find it hysterical when he tells me about his mood swings.....I know our better halves probably find this side of us a horrible cross to bear, so God love 'em for putting up with us. I know we don't mean to be moody, I think we're basically decent people, but find me on one of those mood swing days and I bet you'd want to punch me, too!

How Do I Manage It?

I always feel like I disappoint and let so many people down in my life and in all honesty, I don't mean to. I truly want to do the things that make people happy, but I always come up short in one way or another.

One of my brothers called me, last night and asked me to do something for him. While, I don't think it was something I should have been asked to do, I did what he requested, but in a round about way that potentially may have done more harm than good. I didn't think what he was asking me to do was something in his best interest, but I could also see that there was no talking him out of what he wanted and no reasoning with him at that point. I made the call and was thankfully, forwarded to a voice mail, but I know I sounded pissed off and less than pleasant and it isn't that I even care how the other person felt, it's the fact that once again, my brother is hurting and I really can't help him at all.

I have this major hang up and it stupefies me as to where I managed to get this from, but I can rarely make people understand how I honestly feel. I'm easily talked into doing things I don't want to do, out of guilt and then I get all pissy and nasty and I know the people asking me to do these things could cut their tongues out for ever asking me to do the thing in the first place. I think a lot of it is because, people ask me if I want to do this or that and I tell them right off, how I honestly feel and then I'm immediately questioned and asked if I'm sure?! People! If I say I don't want to do something or I do, why question me, because you're not hearing what YOU want to hear!

I hate letting people down and I try not to, but I come up short so often. I wish I could be like my Mom, she always tries to be there for everyone and quite often, she still gets kicked for not doing enough. Dad may be gruff about a lot of stuff, but if he says he's going to do something, he does it. I wish I had Dad's sensability when it comes to money and Mom's giving ways. I'm stuck at the far end of the spectrum in both counts!

My Addicitions.....

I've mentioned this, before. My two addicitons are to diet Pepsi and DVDs. While I don't buy either one every day of the week, I probably get a 24-pack of diet Pepsi a couple times a week and a DVD, maybe every couple of weeks, but the urge and need for both is at me all the time.

I mean, when I'm on the computer, what am I doing? Looking up DVDs, adding DVDs to my wish list(s) and always wishing for more and more and more! Now, this wouldn't be a big deal, IF I was still able to work and making money each and every week, but that isn't the case. I mean, which of the seven deadly sins can I say I have with this love of DVDs and diet Pepsi.....greed or lust?! Probably a wee bit of both!

Now, I was actually out, today and was in three stores that carry DVDs and I didn't come out of any of the stores with a single DVD, but it wasn't because I didn't want to! Finances are always part of the game, but I was also trying to force myself to deny myself of a DVD or two or ten. However, I wasn't as good as I'd hoped.....I came home, jumped online and pre-ordered a DVD.

I have to admit, of the 2521 DVDs we have in the house, almost 2100 are mine, but I ask for DVDs for Christmas, birthday and any other gift-giving occasion, so a good number of my DVDs have been given to me as gifts. I've traded other DVD titles for these, purchased several used and found some great deals on others, so it's not as bad as it sounds.....is it? God, maybe I do need serious help, here! Add that total to my diet Pepsi consumption and perhaps I am a full blown addict. Sure, I may not take drugs or drink alcohol, but gee, is this as serious as one or both of those addictions?

I'm beginning to think that sharing my thoughts isn't so wise.....leaves me wondering about myself!

Cooling It, Today........

It's been a rough week. Losing my Uncle was tough for my family, I can't imagine how my Aunt and cousins are handling, today. Friday was the viewings and yesterday the funeral. I thought the military grave-side services were beautiful and the meal afterwards was very nice.

Today, I've accomplished absolutely nothing. I've bathed, but never even got out of my PJ's, I even napped for a bit, this afternoon. Had big plans to watch some DVDs, but usually when I plan a day like that, it doesn't always go as planned. No complaints, though. It was quiet and peaceful and relaxing.

I've been drinking diet Pepsi like it's water, though. Man, I've gone through a lot of cans of that and yesterday, I drank anything that was sitting near me. I know my sugar levels are sky-high, which doesn't help, but I've not really eaten much of anything, today, just because I'm so damn thirsty.

The next couple of days are going to be busy, so glad today was a quiet day. Tomorrow we have to run to Dickson City in the morning and then Tuesday, Carol has an appointment at the Packer, in Sayre. Her two days off this week will be busy.

Family Loss......

I know that the loss of a family member is something everyone fears and is never fully prepared for. Even if that person has suffered for a long time with health issues, you're never really able to wrap your head around the fact that they may not always be with you.

Maybe it's the fact that for as long as you remember anything, that family member has been in your life. They've always been there, being a part of holiday celebrations, weddings, birthday celebrations and even the funerals of others. They are often a major constant in your life, even if you don't have daily contact with them....you just always feel they'll be there.

My Uncle was that person in my life. He was married to my Mom's older sister, the father to several cousins and someone that, while he didn't say a lot, you always knew he was in your corner. I always knew that if I really needed help, I could go to him and my Aunt and they would help me in any way possible. He wasn't a big old teddy bear that smiled a lot, laughed a lot or hugged you, but I always felt safe with him, when I was a child and loved by him, all through my life. I'm going to miss him and the sad thing is, my loss is nothing compared to what my Aunt and cousins must be feeling.

One memory that will stick with me always, involving my Uncle Dave took place, years ago. I was probably 6-8 years old and it was Summer and I'd probably been staying with the family for a week or more. Uncle Dave came home and piled us all into the Scout they used to have. At the time, there was five kids in their family and I think he and Aunt Boob used to take us out for a ride to cool us down and calm us down. We got back to their house and Aunt Boob began dinner and took a break to go lay in the bedroom with Uncle Dave. I was and still am terrified of thunder/lightning storms and one popped up. I was out in the kitchen with my cousins and didn't want to let on what was bothering me, so I started sobbing that I wanted to go home. Betsy or Pami probably went in and told them I was upset and crying to go home. Uncle Dave called me in and pulled me onto the bed between him and Aunt Boob. He asked what was wrong and I said I just wanted to go home....he looked at me and said, 'But, Kimi, if you go home, who's going to make our Kool-Aid?'. That was one of my jobs in helping prepare the meal. In that moment, he made me feel very needed and thought I couldn't possibly leave the family without a Kool-Aid maker, so in that moment, my fear was forgotten and I was thrilled to think I was, 'needed'. I'll always remember that and the love and acceptance that I feel with Uncle Dave and Aunt Boob. Thanks for that, to you both!

How can you ever find words to comfort people when they lose someone that was as special as he was. My Uncle was that kind of man.....never brought attention to anything he did, he just went about doing what was right in his own way. He was there for his family and those of us that were part of his extended family. I feel a sense of sadness, because he wasn't the type of man that you said mushy things to, but I hope that somehow, he knew how much I loved him and how important he was in my life. You can never replace a presence like that and I feel very fortunate to have had him in my life, as long as I did. I love you, Uncle Dave, I miss you and wish you were still with us, for my own selfish reasons, but you battled with all you had and for so long, I wish you peace and we will miss you!

Friday!

In spite of no longer being able to work, Friday still is my favorite day of the week. I'm not exactly sure why, as when I was still able to work, we worked nearly ever Saturday and had a lot of Sunday work, too! Still, there's just something about a Friday that makes me all happy and smiles.

I've discovered that while there are many things that make me all happy and smiles, the biggest thing other than loved ones and friends is still those damn DVDs! I think it's a true addiction.......thank God these things are legal or I'd be out trying to score a DVD or two to support this habit! The sad thing is, I don't get DVDs like I used to, in spite of my 'need' for them. DVDs and diet Pepsi are indeed, my drugs of choice.

You know it's bad when you are told you have a better selection of DVDs than most rental places or your nieces and nephews beg you to 'chug' a diet Pepsi. Actually, it's almost embarrassing.....almost. Sure, there are a lot worse things I could find myself addicted to, but when you're poor, any addiction is tough.

I remember before I was diagnosed with diabetes and I loved regular Pepsi, several members of my family would get on me that I should drink diet Pepsi. Now I drink diet Pepsi and those same family members are telling me I drink too much of that! C'mon, now.....I don't drink alcohol and I don't smoke, let me have a little fun and indulgence, people!

As for my DVDs, I admit, I have such an extreme taste in films and TV, it almost scares me. I can sit and watch some graphic, gory horror film one minute and the next, I'm watching some children's TV show. Some of my friends like to call me out on some of my titles, too.....CB and I were having a Pampered Chef party at the apartment, one afternoon and we had a rack of DVDs in the living room. Everyone was chatting along and having a nice time, when someone had to bring to the attention of everybody in the apartment that there was a DVD with the title, 'Killer Condom' and that the DVD HAD to belong to me. Now, this wasn't some horror film, really nor was it a porno, just a goofy horror-parody, really, but try explaining that to a room full of women over the age of 50!

Wait....is that....a diet Pepsi calling to me and a DVD.........?

Valentine's Day....2009

Here we are, just a couple of days before what's supposed to be, the most romantic day of the year. Me, I think every day is romantic, if you're with someone you really love and enjoy being with, but that's me. My biggest problem with Valentine's Day is......trying to gift that someone special with something that isn't the 'norm' for this kind of special day. I mean, c'mon, flowers can be done to death and don't take a whole lot of thought, candy isn't always an option, especially if someone is diabetic or trying to lose weight and for me, giving some obvious likes of that special person, also seems too easy and kind of a cop-out.

I'm the exact opposite. I tend to bore people to tears with the things I love asking for or receiving. I've mentioned before that I love, adore and lust after DVDs and so, if I get one or two DVDs on ANY special occasion, I think I've died and gone to Heaven. Oh, I like the occasional surprise, too....dinner out, seeing a film at the theatre, quiet, romantic moments, but something as simple as a DVD or a certain book or magazine can brighten my day just as easily.

In saying that, I must ask, am I boring? Do I settle too easily? Do I tend to make family and friends smack me upside my head with my weird taste in things? Does my family secretly worry about me and my enjoyment of certain films? Do they tend to hold their children just a bit tighter, when they see me all excited about some off-the-wall film? I gave my Dad a small list of films I have on DVD, that I thought he might enjoy on those nights where TV offers nothing and what was his first question on one title? 'This isn't one of your horror films, is it?!' I wasn't really offended, but I had to stop and think.....is that all people see in me.....my taste for weird films?

OK, I have gotten way off track, here. We were talking about Valentine's Day....I'm thinking a simple, 'I love you' and a card wouldn't go over very well, so in the short time till the actual day, I have a lot of decisions to make! Tune in and we'll see how this Valentine's Day goes!

All Bloated Up Like A Hoppy-Toad....Thanks, Skeet!

Good God! Thanks to my babiest brother, I am as stuffed as stuffed can be! Skeet's been bragging up this place in Athens for ages and it's finally opened into a second location a wee bit closer to us, so he, Mom and I stopped in, this afternoon, for lunch.

We never do things in a small way, oh no.....let's see, we had a slice of pizza, each, then we all had a half a sub AND fries! My God, it's a miracle I was able to walk out of the place! Good? Most definitely, but I am so stuffed, I hurt! Now, I certainly am old enough to know better and you'd think I'd be smart enough to know better, but nope......when it comes to food, I behave like every meal could be my last! I mean, as soon as my eyes open in the morning, it's like an all you can eat, buffet! I don't think I stop chewing and swallowing until my eyes close at night.

Thanks, Skeet, it was a GREAT lunch, but next time, could you do me a favor and put a muzzle on me, so I won't eat like I'm trying to win some kind of eating contest?!

I love spending time with my babiest brother, because he makes me laugh so much and in the short time I spent with him, today, I was laughing and forgetting all about the aches and pains that drive me almost insane. You're a great brother, Skeet, hope you always know that.

I tried to get Skeet or Mom to buy me some DVDs, but neither seemed too responsive to that.....I can't imagine why, I mean, Skeet had just bought us this HUGE, amazing lunch, must have spent an arm and a leg on that and then I was still looking for more freebies! Just joshing, but man, I do so love my DVDs. I may seriously need help with my DVD and diet Pepsi addictions, I honestly go into a panic, when I think my diet Pepsi supply is getting low. This is a big shout to anyone with extra cash laying around.....buy Pepsi stock, I'll keep you rolling in the money!

Deep, Dark and Thoughtful......

Ha! You thought that the contents of this blog were going to be something deep and soul-searching, but that couldn't be further from the truth. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I use my brain cells nearly enough to keep them active and any thought process worth reading.

I wish I had something to say that really stopped people in their tracks and made them think.....the only thing I may be credited with is making people scratch their heads and wonder where the hell I came from and what I can possibly offer that might be worth listening to.

I tend to try and look on the bright side of life, but oh yes, I have my deep, dark spooky side, too. I figure life is way too serious and way too sad at times, so I try and see the humorous side of everything, often to the point I annoy those around me. I leave all the drama and hysterics to those members of my immediate family that seem to thrive on that and I just go through life with total ignorance about things happening around me and I feel better for that.

I cling tightly to my family and friends, for they truly do bring me happiness and yes, at times, I'd like to run away and leave no forwarding address, but in the end, they make me what and who I am and that's a terrifying thought in itself! I probably like my material objects way too much, too. My DVDs, Christmas decorations/ornaments, memorabilia and the like mean way more to me than they should, but most of the items have been given to me, so why not cherish them?