Moving Forward.....

One day at a time, is the best you can hope for, I guess. I know Mikey wouldn't want us all sitting around and mot living life, but I'm having a tough time with certain aspects of this. I know a death of any family member or friend is always a shock and something that takes time to heal, but when do you resume a 'normal' life? I can't ever say that any aspect of my family or life has been normal, but god, they are a fun and amusing bunch. Annoying as hell at times, too, but I wouldn't trade my family for anything.

I'm struggling with how to act and react, I think. I almost feel guilty for feeling depressed and that shouldn't be a worry for me, I would think. Oh, I laugh at comments or jokes and put on a brave front, as I don't want to bring anyone down with me, but it's not easy. I want to mourn, but I don't want to wallow in it. Does that even make sense?

Mikey was MY baby brother and someone I love and I still can't believe he's gone. I can't talk to him about baseball, football, ask his opinion or help and that's what's so unreal about this all. It's all so final and I don't want it to be. I want him in my life, I want him to grow old, I want him to see his children graduate from high school, marry and I wanted to see him as a Grandpa and none of those things are possible. I've lost people I love, before and it's been a painful experience, but this is so different, maybe because he was my baby brother and I always felt he would be here, long after I was gone.

Every time....EVERY time I saw him or spoke to him, we hugged, kissed and said we loved each other, so that leaves me with no regrets, but for him to choose this ending, that's where my regrets kick in. Was there something I could have said or done that would have made him realize just how special he truly was and how much people loved him or did it take this for him to finally know what he meant to so many people?

Mikey.....

Ten days ago, my younger brother Mikey ended his life. Even sitting here typing this and reading it, I'm having a tough time wrapping my head around the fact that he's not longer here, with us. I know I will move forward and the pain will eventually ease, I'm sure, but at this point in time, I still can't imagine life without, Mikey.

Mikey battled demons most of his life, but especially when he became a teen. He drank, did drugs and was in trouble a good deal of the time. Still, I never could give up on him, because he didn't give up on himself. We had your typical big-sister-little-brother relationship, we'd argue, scream and fight, but we always knew there was love.....at least I am hoping he knew how much I loved him. I think he knew.

I had a friend comment once at how great she thought it was that Mikey, Skeet and I always hugged, kissed and said we loved each other, whenever we saw each other and whenever we spoke on the phone. I never gave it much thought, because we grew up doing that and neither of my younger brothers ever went through a stage where they were embarrassed by showing affection. I'm going to miss that mjost about Mikey....his hugs, kisses, how he always told me he loved me and his laugh.

I wish you would have called me, Mikey.....I may not have been able to stop you from doing what you did, but I could have told you one more time, how much I loved you and how very special you were to me.

Friday!

Been a while since I've updated anything, again, but no excuses, this time, just laziness or perhaps a bit of loss of interest.

Things are crazy around here, as usual.....well, not here, exactly, but within the family.  I'm so tired of drama and such, but refuse to let it bog me down, too much.  Being a holiday weekend, I'm hoping we grill out and maybe I get out to do some shopping.....maybe.

Still having a time finding reading glasses that allow me to read magazines and newspapers, but maybe I just need to have my right eye taken care of, so both eyes are on the same playing field.  I think we bought me fourth pair of reading glasses, today, but these cost just a buck, so I guess no huge loss, if they don't work out, but sooner or later, I have to be able to enjoy my magazines and such, again!

Weather has turned a bit too warm, for my liking, but at least the majority of folks around here are happy.

Lots of Changes!

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've updated anything, but time has a way of getting by before you know it.

Last week, I had cataract surgery on my left eye and what an amazing difference!  I have always been near-sighted and worn corrective lenses since about third grade, so when I had this surgery, I had the option of the kind of lens I wanted put in and I chose a lens that would correct my near-sightedness.  Now, in choosing that, it meant I'd have to use reading glasses of things up close, but I can't believe the detail in which I can see distances!  Of course, it's been a huge adjustment to not being able to see things up close, but hoping the reading glasses I picked up can help with that.

I go back to see my ophthamologist on 29 May and the optometrist told me, today, they'll probably set me up for my surgery on the right eye, that day.  Everything looked great, today, the optometrist told me the pressure on my retina was normal and all seems well.  

Happy Easter!

I hope everyone enjoyed as good a day as I did.  We received an adorable voice-mail message from my youngest niece, I talked to both of my younger brothers and spent the afternoon with my Mom/Jim, niece, nephew, Aunt, Grandmother and about 100 cousins!  I exagerate a bit on the number of cousins, but I swear, I don't think I am too far off!  

We gathered for a very tasty meal, with everyone contributing a dish or two and if I can brag about anything, it's just how good of cooks my entire family is.  We laughed, we talked and we ate.....in my way of thinking, it doesn't get a whole lot better than that.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Sunday and if you celebrate Easter, I hope you were able to spend that with special people, like I did!

Easter Eve

Been a VERY busy day, today.  Carol and I headed to Dickson City, this morning, as I was out of diet Pepsi and when that happens, panic isn't too far off.  We went to Sam's Club and I got three 36-packs, but I know that won't last too long....I'll probably need a refill by next weekend!  Of course, I'm not the only person drinking the diet Pepsi, Dad helps, too.

Had our Easter dinner with Dad, tonight,  Carol baked the glazed, spiral-sliced ham, macaroni/cheese, peas and for dessert....chocolate pudding!  It was very good and very filling.  Tomorrow, we're spending the afternoon with Mom and family and while it will be fun, I can't help but feel Carol and I are intruding.  I know we'll be made to feel welcome, but still, Aunt Boob's family is large enough, I don't think they need us, there, too.

My headaches have been very bad the past few days and taking pain meds and OTC pills hasn't helped much at all.  Makes me feel mean and hateful, but with Carol being PMSy, she's got top honors for grumpiness, today!  LOL

Happy Easter Eve!

Why Can't I Just Listen?!

OK, we laid away a vacuum cleaner and a shampooer about a month or six weeks ago and we picked them up on Monday.  I believe the new vacuum is from Eureka and it's a bagless vacuum.  We got this for downstairs, since we were using Dad's vacuum and I kind of broke the cover of it, one day.  Anyway, once we had it together on Tuesday, I HAD to try it out!  LOL  It was unbelievable, what it picked up....Carol and Dad said if they didn't know I vacuumed the downstairs once or twice a week, they'd think it was once a month, from what the new vacuum picked up.

Wednesday, Carol headed back to work and Dad was going to the country club to work that morning, for a few hours.  The stairs needed to be vacuumed and I told Dad, I thought I was going to try the new vacuum out, on the stairs and upstairs.  Dad told me that in no way, should I try and do that, with my arthritis and such, he said I'd hurt myself or fall.  Well, could I listen......No!  I swear, as soon as Dad had left, I had the vacuum heading to the step and then upstairs.  An hour or so later, I suddenly realized that my left shoulder and neck were killing me.  Obviously, lugging the damn vacuum up the steps was too much and now, I'm paying for it.  

I can't get away with anything, so thank God I never chose a life of crime, as I'd be sitting behind bars for sure!  Of course, I asked Carol, tonight, 'Why can't I listen, when people tell me I'm going to hurt myself?!'.  Her very thoughtful and caring answer?  Because of my OCD!  Thank you very much!  LOL  I can always count on someone to point out my shortcomings!  

Here's hoping I feel better for Easter weekend, but I'm not holding out a lot of hope....because I am being punished!  LOL