Moving Forward.....

One day at a time, is the best you can hope for, I guess. I know Mikey wouldn't want us all sitting around and mot living life, but I'm having a tough time with certain aspects of this. I know a death of any family member or friend is always a shock and something that takes time to heal, but when do you resume a 'normal' life? I can't ever say that any aspect of my family or life has been normal, but god, they are a fun and amusing bunch. Annoying as hell at times, too, but I wouldn't trade my family for anything.

I'm struggling with how to act and react, I think. I almost feel guilty for feeling depressed and that shouldn't be a worry for me, I would think. Oh, I laugh at comments or jokes and put on a brave front, as I don't want to bring anyone down with me, but it's not easy. I want to mourn, but I don't want to wallow in it. Does that even make sense?

Mikey was MY baby brother and someone I love and I still can't believe he's gone. I can't talk to him about baseball, football, ask his opinion or help and that's what's so unreal about this all. It's all so final and I don't want it to be. I want him in my life, I want him to grow old, I want him to see his children graduate from high school, marry and I wanted to see him as a Grandpa and none of those things are possible. I've lost people I love, before and it's been a painful experience, but this is so different, maybe because he was my baby brother and I always felt he would be here, long after I was gone.

Every time....EVERY time I saw him or spoke to him, we hugged, kissed and said we loved each other, so that leaves me with no regrets, but for him to choose this ending, that's where my regrets kick in. Was there something I could have said or done that would have made him realize just how special he truly was and how much people loved him or did it take this for him to finally know what he meant to so many people?

Mikey.....

Ten days ago, my younger brother Mikey ended his life. Even sitting here typing this and reading it, I'm having a tough time wrapping my head around the fact that he's not longer here, with us. I know I will move forward and the pain will eventually ease, I'm sure, but at this point in time, I still can't imagine life without, Mikey.

Mikey battled demons most of his life, but especially when he became a teen. He drank, did drugs and was in trouble a good deal of the time. Still, I never could give up on him, because he didn't give up on himself. We had your typical big-sister-little-brother relationship, we'd argue, scream and fight, but we always knew there was love.....at least I am hoping he knew how much I loved him. I think he knew.

I had a friend comment once at how great she thought it was that Mikey, Skeet and I always hugged, kissed and said we loved each other, whenever we saw each other and whenever we spoke on the phone. I never gave it much thought, because we grew up doing that and neither of my younger brothers ever went through a stage where they were embarrassed by showing affection. I'm going to miss that mjost about Mikey....his hugs, kisses, how he always told me he loved me and his laugh.

I wish you would have called me, Mikey.....I may not have been able to stop you from doing what you did, but I could have told you one more time, how much I loved you and how very special you were to me.